what next...?

nothing i'm changing on the outside is making me feel any better on the inside. i cant figure it out.

i just went for a walk at 11:30 at night and when i got out to the end of my road i realized i was hoping it would be completely and underly quiet and it wasnt. i cant escape my own thoughts for one second like i cant get away from the sound of the road or the bugs chirping outside. i cant sleep because i dont want to dream about what is inevitable and i cant be awake for five minutes without trying to distract myself from what im really and truly ALWAYS thinking about.

nothing im buying or doing or cleaning helps. i cant change the present. all i can do is clean up the things around me hoping that if i look put together on the outside, no one will notice how awful i feel on the inside.

on a lighter note, school starts soon and i cant wait to see holly tomorrow. she will keep me together.

come friendly bombs.

im afraid to really truly be happy sometimes because i know somehow it will just get taken away from me.

for two weeks i was so intensely happy with everything in my life (besides the fact that i missed all my friends, was poor, and was "dating" a guy who was a jerk to me) and now im just bitter and sad and some days i just want to cry all the time and i cant sleep anymore

and i still have feelings for this asshole.

i really dont think that what i want is possible. can people actually be married nowadays and stay together until the end? is there really one person that you can put up with for the rest of your life?

its just so incredibly unfair that i felt SO. STRONGLY. about this one person and he ended up just wanting this one little corner of my being. you cant have that piece of me if you have no desire to be in any sort of meaningful relationship with me. i mean, not since i felt the way i did about him. ugh.

and whats also not fair is how we werent even really dating so no one knew that we were even together at all or that our stupid little relationship ended. no one but one or two of my closest friends knows how badly he hurt me and how big of an asshole he truly is. they still all see him as this nice guy and its not fair that we cant go back to the friendship we had before.

but now i still live with him and i should have really listened to everything that everyone told me not to do before. but im glad i did what i did because now i know what i will NOT tolerate in a relationship.

Cats.

They poop.

I just cleaned up soooo much cat shit from my roommates cat. I'm watching it this weekend and the little bastard poops more than can possibly be healthy. For real.

I need a life.

David Costa on tour with The Banner, Dr Acula, and The Hotness

I've been dying to see this dude David Costa since I started street teaming for him in high school. Well hes finally gotten big enough to go on tour. :)

Thursday June 12th - Chicago, IL @ Beat Kitchen

Saturday July 5th - Chicago, IL @ Double Door

Friday July 11th - Fredricksburg, VA @ The Refuge

Saturday July 12th - Raleigh, NC @ The Brewery

Sunday July 13th - Wilmington, NC @ Lucky's

Monday July 14th - Johnson City, TN @ The Hideaway

Tuesday July 15th - Atlanta, GA @ The Masquerade

Wednesday July 16th - Nashville, TN @ The Muse

Thursday July 17th - Bloomington, IN @ Rhino's

Friday July 18th - LaPorte, IN @ The Next Level

Saturday July 19th - Kettering, OH @ The Attic

Sunday July 20th - St. Louis, MO @ Rockstar Nightclub

Monday July 21st - Louisville, KY @ The Bulldog Cafe

Tuesday July 22nd - Chicago, IL @ Reggie's Rock Club

Wednesday July 23rd - Grand Rapids, MI @ Skelletones

Thursday July 24th - Cleveland, OH @ Peabody's

Friday July 25th - Buffalo, NY @ American Legion

Saturday July 26th - Queensbury, NY @ G Falls Firehouse

on a daily basis

i walk into one of my house's four bathrooms and find that the toilet has not been flushed. this leads me to believe that the only girl i am living with at the moment has not been all the way potty-trained. what the hell??


so i finally cleaned out my fishie's bowl today. im pretty embarrassed to admit this but it hasnt been cleaned out in like a month and a half :( im a terrible fish mom! but really ive been working so much and just havent had the motivation to clean shit. and he uses up all this water (drinks it? evaporates?? hell if i know!) so i have just been putting a big cup of water in it weekly for him. but now its completely clean. thank god. it looks beautiful. poor Bootsy. i suck...

also ive been working on this:



its the second in my jimi hendrix experience through paint. hahah whatever i just made that up. but really, in high school i painted this awesome vibrant colored painting of jimi hendrix and i decided i liked painting a lot and wanted to experiment with black and white as well. well naturally after high school i had a lot going on with college etc. two years later, im FINALLY working on my black and white. im a lot less of a hippie now though so i doubt i will make my third painting a hendrix too.

oh adventures...

so yesterday i went on a little day trip up to pennsylvania to visit my friend and tie-dye some stuff. it was only an hour away. but when we went to get ice cream from this place my car would not start up at all. we ended up jumping it, dying on a street corner, pushing it into a gas station where we jumped it again and drove to my friends house where it died again. my batter was completely gone and it would not hold the teeniest of charges. this was right around the time the whole town closed down so i couldnt leave at all. i layed down 90 bucks for a new battery this morning and drove my ass back home for a shower.

NO MORE ADVENTURES TIL MY RENT IS FUCKING PAID!! but thank god it was only my battery.

i hate when

my roommate goes grocery shopping while im at work. and then after work i stop and get like four things, come home, and theres no room in the fridge for my my milk. how many fucking bottles of juice do you need in there at one time?? do you know how much sugar is in that shit, fatty???


/rant.

also, i woke up to the sound of a bird flying into my window this morning. and then while i was laying there thinking "wtf" another flew into my window. WTF?!

Work

Some stuff we've been doing at work:

Yesterday's shoot with the library...


Todays shoot for "Singing in the Rain"...


My job is kinda cool sometimes...



Oh I also work at Micheals haha...


I seriously need a day off and a nap...

no subject

this new layout is pretty bangin. i mean, it leaves the writer, me, to do all the dirty work; to really color my own writing with interesting bits and anecdotes instead of relying on some spotty premade thing i chose off of the website. anyway, its called "jellyfish". i thought that was fun...

anyway, ive become obsessed with this website:





its pretty fantastic. i wish i had thought of it on my own. haha
well now ive been bombarding my friends to make me mixed tapes. like actual cassette tapes. and they're like "well okay heres a digital one. go to this website." but we all know thats not the same thing! i think one of my friends might actually make me a mixed cassette tape and mail it to me. because shes awesome like that and has fantastic taste in 80's pop music. i probably wont like much of the music on her tape but its the thought that counts really :)

has anyone ever made you a mixed tape? do you listen intently and dissect every song and chord and lyric wondering why they chose THAT particular song to give to you? i do that... some people dont put together mixed cd's or playlists with any thought or rhyme or rhythm. i think thats a waste and/or not possible. you always FEEL like listening to something. you're always in a certain mood and that mood always determines the theme to your mix. or you could be a cool kid like myself and have some sort of theme or message to your mix that you want to translate to someone. i dont know, maybe i just put too much thought into these things. see what this site has done to me!? why dont we make tapes anymore :(