what next...?

nothing i'm changing on the outside is making me feel any better on the inside. i cant figure it out.

i just went for a walk at 11:30 at night and when i got out to the end of my road i realized i was hoping it would be completely and underly quiet and it wasnt. i cant escape my own thoughts for one second like i cant get away from the sound of the road or the bugs chirping outside. i cant sleep because i dont want to dream about what is inevitable and i cant be awake for five minutes without trying to distract myself from what im really and truly ALWAYS thinking about.

nothing im buying or doing or cleaning helps. i cant change the present. all i can do is clean up the things around me hoping that if i look put together on the outside, no one will notice how awful i feel on the inside.

on a lighter note, school starts soon and i cant wait to see holly tomorrow. she will keep me together.