what next...?

nothing i'm changing on the outside is making me feel any better on the inside. i cant figure it out.

i just went for a walk at 11:30 at night and when i got out to the end of my road i realized i was hoping it would be completely and underly quiet and it wasnt. i cant escape my own thoughts for one second like i cant get away from the sound of the road or the bugs chirping outside. i cant sleep because i dont want to dream about what is inevitable and i cant be awake for five minutes without trying to distract myself from what im really and truly ALWAYS thinking about.

nothing im buying or doing or cleaning helps. i cant change the present. all i can do is clean up the things around me hoping that if i look put together on the outside, no one will notice how awful i feel on the inside.

on a lighter note, school starts soon and i cant wait to see holly tomorrow. she will keep me together.

come friendly bombs.

im afraid to really truly be happy sometimes because i know somehow it will just get taken away from me.

for two weeks i was so intensely happy with everything in my life (besides the fact that i missed all my friends, was poor, and was "dating" a guy who was a jerk to me) and now im just bitter and sad and some days i just want to cry all the time and i cant sleep anymore

and i still have feelings for this asshole.

i really dont think that what i want is possible. can people actually be married nowadays and stay together until the end? is there really one person that you can put up with for the rest of your life?

its just so incredibly unfair that i felt SO. STRONGLY. about this one person and he ended up just wanting this one little corner of my being. you cant have that piece of me if you have no desire to be in any sort of meaningful relationship with me. i mean, not since i felt the way i did about him. ugh.

and whats also not fair is how we werent even really dating so no one knew that we were even together at all or that our stupid little relationship ended. no one but one or two of my closest friends knows how badly he hurt me and how big of an asshole he truly is. they still all see him as this nice guy and its not fair that we cant go back to the friendship we had before.

but now i still live with him and i should have really listened to everything that everyone told me not to do before. but im glad i did what i did because now i know what i will NOT tolerate in a relationship.